Submitted by Sue
My Story
Hello, my name is Sue, and I'm a nicotine addict.
I'm 57 years old and began smoking cigarettes when I was 14 years old. I didn't start smoking to look chic or older or because of peer pressure. I started smoking to calm my anger. My mother had a ferocious temper – she always seemed to calm down when she lit a cigarette. I wanted something to help me calm down. I knew that my father often left a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket in the coat closet, and that is where I stole my first cigarettes.
Many people in my support groups talk about how bad that first cigarette was and how sick it made them and that they were surprised that they even tried again. I don't remember it that way. I seem to remember my first drag as an instant buzz that spread throughout my body, loosening all the tense muscles. Perhaps because I was used to secondhand smoke I was not made nauseous by the cigarette.
I started smoking regularly when I was 20 years old after my husband of six months left for Viet Nam. I taught myself to stuff my feelings of fear, anxiety, happiness, anger and guilt by lighting up a cigarette and hiding in the resulting smokescreen. I quickly became a two-and-a-half packs a day smoker, and, for the most part, I remained a heavy smoker until I was 55 years old.
I did try a number of times during those 41 years to quit smoking, but those attempts to quit were for reasons other than a genuine desire on my part to quit smoking. I attempted to quit smoking to save money or to please someone else or simply because I felt I ought to stop smoking.
This quit basically started after an hour's ride in an ambulance and several hours in an emergency room. After being released, the first thing I did was light up a cigarette. The reason the ambulance ride and time in the emergency room was necessary was because I knew that smoking can trigger a very rapid heartbeat that was dangerous to my health and I did it anyway! My choice not to go to the emergency room was taken away from me because of my choice to smoke. I had to do something!
I realized that I was on a leash to my smoking. Before I could start anything I had to have a cigarette. After I finished whenever I was doing I had to have a cigarette. Where I went and how long I stayed was determined by whether or not I could smoke.
I asked my doctor for help in quitting smoking. He prescribed Wellbutrin XL. He told me to take the Wellbutrin XL for at least a couple of weeks before attempting to quit. I began to smoke fewer and fewer cigarettes each day. I did not set a quit date as I had never found that to be an effective tactic for me. After I had been on the Wellbutrin XL for approximately three weeks, I felt ready to say this is my last cigarette on July 15, 2005.
Even with the Wellbutrin XL it was not easy. I used a mantra every time I craved a cigarette. The mantra was: "This quit is for me! I want off this leash!" It worked in the beginning, but I soon came to realize that unless I sought support I would smoke again. I started looking for face-to-face support groups where I live, but the only one I found combined it with other problems I didn't feel I had. I turned to the internet and found a 12-step program. It didn't list any face-to-face meetings in my area, but it did list online meetings. I joined two support groups at Yahoo! and later a third support group.
I lost that quit about a month after joining the groups. I smoked two cigarettes within one hour. I went immediately into an online meeting after smoking the first cigarette and cried about what I had done. Everyone was so supportive, understanding and encouraging. I learned that the tools and the steps were there for a reason and that if I would only use what I had been given I could stop smoking. That was Oct. 7, 2005 and I haven't smoked since then.
This 12-step program has given me the understanding of why I smoked and the support and the tools I need to help me stay a non-smoker. Today I am happy. I've learned to love and respect myself again I have so much more self-confidence than I did when I was smoking.
I have also found that so many things I thought were allergies were problems caused by chemicals in the smoke. For the first time in years I can wear contact lenses. I can wear make-up on a daily basis and not have the rashes I got before. I do have some respiratory allergies, but those are not so pronounced since I stopped smoking. I started a regular exercise routine at Curves for Women, and I'm the most fit I've been in way too long.
I will always be a nicotine addict, but that doesn't mean I will always be a smoker. I just have to keep in mind that I'm just one puff away from two-and-a-half packs a day. I'm just that far away from another ride in an ambulance. I'll use the tools my program has taught me, and I have so much hope now that I will be able to live my life nicotine free.
My wonderful Yahoo! support groups:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/unofficialnicanon/
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/voicesofnicotinerecovery/
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/lobbyville/
