Why Did This Happen?

My Story

I have had two miscarriages in my life. I have a 17-year-old daughter, a 12-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old son. Before my son was born, it was 1998, we were living in Oklahoma trying to start a new business. We were doing pretty well. I did not know I was pregnant. I was just having "weird" feelings, then the cramps came and then the bleeding. My then fianc‚ rushed me to the hospital with our four-year-old daughter in tow. The doctor took one look and told me what had happened.

From that moment on I thought I was not going to have a chance to have another baby. Then I got pregnant again and had a beautiful baby boy in September of 1999. Everything was going smoothly. I was on the pill, taking it like I was supposed to and I got pregnant again. This baby I thought was going to be perfect. Then in my fourth month I started loosing my amniotic fluid. The doctor at first said it was okay. Then she sent me to a specialist. He said, "No, I don't think you will have a good chance at delivering this baby." I was now in my fifth month.

The Hard Part

I went home and cried until I could cry no more. Why, I thought, is someone doing this to me? Why am I getting the raw end of the deal? I know I can make babies, I have three; what's wrong with one more? For some reason I wasn't supposed to have this baby. I went into the hospital to deliver, and I got to hold him and name him. The hospital even took pictures of him.

I do not think any woman in the world knows what is like to have a miscarriage unless it actually happens to them. I have never felt so empty going home as I did that day with no baby. I saw all the other moms holding and playing with their babies. I saw moms taking their babies home. I was so angry at everyone. To this day I believe that my life is like it is because of those losses. I am no longer with the father of my three children. I don't know if that is what started us growing apart, or me being afraid to have sex because I did not want to take the chance of getting pregnant again.

Me Now

I do know that if I had the chance I would have found someone or a group to talk to about this because I think it might have saved our relationship. I have no clue, but I also do not have a chance to find out. If this ever happens to anyone who reads this, please get help in talking to a doctor, priest, best friend or support group. I think it might help in the long run to have someone to turn to let out those feelings, and believe me there are a lot you will go through. I have changed in a way that I cannot get back what I have lost.