You're sad when it's over but you're glad you had it...
Submitted by Julianne W.
My Story
January 28, 2005, was the day that I miscarried my baby boy at 17 weeks gestation. After struggling with PCOS and several rounds of Clomid, we were so happy to finally be pregnant. In the end, the case was most likely an incompetent cervix. After that day, I have struggled to find reasons, peace, and solace.
My Steps
First of all, I will say that I will never be completely over my loss. I won't "get over it," and I hope that no one will ever experience such devastation like mine. What has worked for me most is sharing my story and also helping other women online who have miscarried get through their grief.
The Hard Part
Clearly the hardest part was actually losing my child. (And then having another miscarriage later that year.) Another hard part was dealing with myself and my own guilt -- even though I know there is nothing I could've done differently. Also, feeling like I let my husband and my family down because they were counting on me. (I knew it was irrational even at the time.) But, the one thing that sticks out is the months to come and the reactions from family, friends and acquaintances.
People look at you with pity. People avoid you. People say that there must have been something wrong with the baby. People say that it wasn't really a baby yet. People say that God only gives you what you can handle... God has a plan... The baby is in a better place now. Some people cry when you tell them the news. Some people avoid you afterward. The first holidays are tough: Thanksgiving, Christmas, the "due date" of the baby. The first week anniversary. The first month. The first year. The phone doesn't ring. No cards are sent. No one else seems to remember. I remember. I still remember his tiny little face. Sometimes when I am lying in bed at might I'll get a little muscle spasm somewhere -- and I wonder if it's my little angel nudging me. I always smile. Seeing tiny babies makes me sad, but I put on a smile every time. I'm desperately sad inside. Helpless. Hopeless. I've become agnostic. How could God have given me a baby then taken him away? How could 13 year olds and crack addicts have babies? Sometimes I wish it was a dream. A nightmare, rather.
Me Now
For now, all I have left of him is a small box of ashes, some photographs and a little tattoo that I got on my foot for our Scooter -- that was his nickname. I'm changed, though. I'm different. My life has been changed by spending one fleeting moment in this life with a tiny angel. I'm more sensitive not only to the losses of others, but to people in general. I'm more pensive, I'm a little hardened, but I don't take much for granted any more. I even went to a therapist last fall. I kept telling everyone that I was "fine" and I wanted to make sure I was actually fine. She said I was. She said I am experiencing normal grief, yada yada. But, I know that she couldn't possibly understand what I have been through.
My Practical Advice
This is exactly what I wrote as a sticky thread on a site I visit: First of all, I'm sorry that you've had a loss. Infant loss is one of the hardest things I have ever been though. It's different from losing a friend or family member because you don't have "memories" of things that you did with this baby that you wanted to badly. Instead, you have "memories" of the dreams and hopes that you had for your little one. The important thing to know right now is that you're not alone. Many, many women (and their loving husbands!) experience this tragedy every day.
You'll be surprised how many women that you know have lost babies and never even talk about it. I mentioned it to a woman recently and she lost a baby in 1945. Her best friend was sitting next to her and never knew about it! Still, the woman thinks about her baby every day and wonders about him or her. How sad that it was not talked about so long ago, and how sad it is that she has been praying for this little soul every day for so many years alone!
Many doctors, including my own, really don't focus much on the emotional side of miscarriage. You may have postpartum depression, you may have full blown depression, your hormones might go out of whack. Pay attention to your body, be good to yourself, and if you just aren't feeling right then please get that checked out. Everyone kept asking me how I was doing and I kept saying I was "fine" but one day I said "hmm... maybe I'm not?" and I went to two months or so of counseling. I was fine and needed no meds, but you owe it to yourself and your future babies and your husband to get that checked out!
There is no right way to grieve. Some people lose faith in God. Some people become closer to God. Some people have marriage troubles. Some people feel closer to their spouses. There's no right way. And, you're going to experience many good-intentioned people trying to be helpful: "Oh, well there was probably something wrong with the baby anyway. Oh, it was God's will. Oh, he/she is in a better place. Oh, you can just try again. Oh, just relax and you'll be fine. Oh, it wasn't really a baby anyway." Darn it, it IS a baby and don't let ANYONE try to minimize your loss or how you are feeling! All someone needs to say is "I'm sorry" -- you'll find that out. You'll notice that you are more sensitive to other people's losses, too. You have your own tiny little angel who spent just a fleeting moment with you, but changed your life forever.
