The Father I Knew Best

"I was panicked over my father's cancer diagnosis."

I was away at college studying visual arts technology, but I thought I should go home and help. My parents told me to stay in school and to finish my education, but that just didn't really feel right. I knew I had to keep working, but being a student was what my parents wanted me to do. Nothing like this had ever happened to my family. I got very depressed, and, for whatever reason, I came up with the plan to make a film about my father.

"The best way to get through this was to make a movie."

I'd always made films. In high school they were just fun little, personal things. In college, I was still following that same stream of consciousness, making films for fun, but when this happened to my family I decided the best way to get through this was to make a movie. The thought that my dad could be gone in two years was so upsetting. We'd already drifted apart from each other. We weren't friends. I realized there were so many things about him I did not know. There were so many things I wanted to know, and I wanted to know from him directly.

I suspected there was a reason why my parents had not told me their whole life stories. I couldn't expect them to suddenly start telling everyone on camera, so I decided to frame it around the story of my parents' business. They have a farm in Virginia, so I asked them if it would be okay if I made a movie about how they started the farm. In those interviews I would also begin to ask them questions about how my dad's illness was affecting his relationships.

"I started to see how my family interacts, to see myself as a different person."

Even though I framed the story around our farm, I got a lot of candid moments from my parents and my brother and also of myself. I got to actually see how my family interacts, and that was really eye opening experience for me. I'm watching all of the footage like one hundred times over and I started to see myself as a different person. Prior to this I never thought that I was a terribly rude to my parents. I always thought I was basically obedient, but in a lot of the scenarios I realized how snippy I was. I was a brat. I didn't like that. My parents and my brother are the people I am closest to in this world, they are the people I love the most. If anything, I need to be polite to them. I mean I'm courteous to people I don't know, I'm polite to strangers, but then when I am with people who love me more than anything, I'm cutting off their sentences.

Making the movie helped me see my parents from a third person point of view. I realized how much my mother cared for my father, I realized how much she cared for my brother, and I think it really let me see everyone in my family in a very objective way. I always had this image of my father as some kind of a Superman. He knew everything and he could do anything, and this was the first time I ever saw him really vulnerable. I realized that he's not Superman and he's not just my father either, he's his own person who has his whole life story that unfolded long before me.

When you are in the middle of a conversation or a disagreement it's impossible not to be biased. It's hard to actually see moments as they are, but when you're seeing moments on tape you realize what's going on a little bit better. Now that I've made the movie I definitely see my parents much differently. They are their own people, they have their own lives.

"I was afraid to show the movie to my parents."

To actually show the finished movie to my parents was a scary proposition. I was afraid they'd think I portrayed them in a negative light or they'd be offended because it got too personal. There were some very emotionally intense moments in the movie. There were fights, and there were some heart to hearts. There were portions of it during which my brother was talking behind [my parents'] backs, and there were parts that included things my mom had told me in confidence. The real audience for this film was my parents, and since they've approved of it, I already feel like it's made some awards.

"I learned to be more honest."

If I'm going through hard times, I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time. Instead of worrying about bringing people down, I understand that my feelings are valid. That was the big lesson.