Beth learned that it was okay to ask for what she wanted after being the sole giver in all of her relationships.
Beth's Story
"I was definitely conditioned with the traditional, white picket fence upbringing."
My parents started dating when they were in eighth grade, and they're still together today. I was raised with the solid belief that you find that one person who is the perfect fit. It seemed really boring to me, but I thought maybe they knew something I didn't know. So I tried it over and over again, having one long term monogamous relationship after another, and the support I got was when I was miserable, because everyone around me could relate to that.
Because I grew up in Virginia, I learned Southern hospitality to a tee and that carried over to my relationships with men. I learned to put my attention on them, take care of their needs, get to know what they like and learn how to please them. But as a result, I never knew what I liked and certainly didn't know how to ask for it. It made me very resentful.
"I developed some balance and learned more about what I want by coming to a community that's based around a sensual practice."
The reason a focus on sensuality was so important for me was that it was the realm that was the hardest for me to talk about. I was practically mute when it came to the subject of my body or my desires. The shop was totally closed for business, and I was miserable. Not only did I have less energy available, but I was really apologetic for any desire that I had. Going into sensuality and learning how to communicate was a challenge. There was so much charge and shame to get through in order to really start having the ability to interact with others. I've learned two easy exercises for being better in the bedroom that anybody can do.
1. Ask for a cup of tea.
If you're not that experienced with asking specifically for what you want, start by teaching someone else how you like your tea.
Do you like soy milk in it? Do you like cream in it? How many tea bags do you like? Do you want it on a saucer, or do you want it just in a large mug by itself? I recommend people start with a non-charged area because sensuality is incredibly challenging for most people to talk about. After a year and a half of studying sensuality, I still get tongue-tied and intimidated and my knees will shake when I'm trying to describe to someone what would make me feel really good. You have to start with something that is not threatening. There's no possible way that your brain can talk you out of thinking the way you like your tea is wrong. Once you've mastered receiving your tea graciously and without apology, you can take it from there.
2. Start using accurate, deliberate and open communication.
Before, sex for me was leaving my body behind and hoping the other person would feel good in the process, so that afterwards, we could possibly feel more in love. But it's not any one moment the makes sex good, it's actually the whole process. None of us can read minds, so we have to be willing to ask our partner what we'd like or ask them to stop. It's not just like, "Okay, we're partners, but you go do your thing and bliss out and I'll see you on the other side." You can actually have the experience together through good communication.
"I was numb and isolated before, and now I can feel."
I didn't want to live in what could have been, I wanted to live in the actual reality of finding out who I am, and what I want, and how I work. The other day I began to cry, because it just occurred to me at least I can feel now. That's exactly what I came here for.