Staying too long in a bad marriage almost killed Marcia. Luckily, she found out the end was just the beginning of a brand new way of life.
Marcia's Story
"My husband always told me I would be nothing without him and that I would wind up living on the streets if I ever left him."
The list of what my husband thought was wrong with me, during the 10 years we were married, went on and on and on. I wanted out, but for a long time there were so many roadblocks. I had small children and I didn't want to bring them up alone, I had struggles with myself in terms of going back and forth, and [lack of] money was also a huge barrier. My husband controlled every penny. I had a part-time job and I actually had to hide money for a divorce lawyer in a sock, in my children's Twister game in the back of their closet.
"Was it all in my head?"
For years during this marriage I'd experienced terrible headaches and numbness on the left side of my body. The doctors could not figure out what was wrong. My husband was so controlling he would actually take the explanation of insurance benefits, and he'd add up the co-payments and accuse me of spending thousands of [unnecessary] dollars on doctors because I was a hypochondriac. I felt very dependent on my husband. With my permission, he led me to believe I couldn't get by without him. He also threatened to go to court and take my kids. And for some reason, which now seems ridiculous to me, I believed him.
"One day, something just came alive in me."
One day it just hit me. Nobody needs another person badly enough to be abused. It is much easier to be alone and miserable with two small children than it is to be abused and miserable with two small children. I was going to ask for a divorce. It was a fairly normal day, abusive, but normal. As a matter of fact, we'd just celebrated our 10-year anniversary. For some reason I will probably never fully understand, something just came alive in me. I woke up and I told my husband it was over and to get a lawyer. Oddly, I wasn't scared. I was relieved! A burden was lifted immediately
"Everything went black for five days."
Six months after the separation the headaches got worse, and I started having blackouts. The doctor told me I was depressed from my divorce, but I didn't feel depressed. I was happy to be getting a divorce. I was happy to get out of bed every day. Even so, I was repeatedly told by the doctor it was depression. Then one day a blood vessel in my brain burst. By the time the paramedics arrived I had had so many seizures I could not move. My four-year-old son had to answer the door. I remember being carried out of my house, and I was screaming, "I'm not dead! I can hear you!" but no words were coming out. Then everything went black for five days. I had something called Arteriovenous Malformation. Basically my blood vessels were getting tangled up. It's something I was born with.
"I'm cured--in more ways than one."
It took two months before I was strong enough to have brain surgery. During this time my husband decided he wanted to [reconcile]. Now, here I am, ill and living in an area where you couldn't get to any place without a car. And I was not allowed to drive. I was totally dependent on the people in my community. I couldn't work and I had no money. And never, not even for one second, did I consider going back. I'd come this far. I'd lived through so much and I knew there was something much greater out there for me.
I wanted my children to know there is no reason to put up with abuse. I never wanted my daughter to think our marriage was normal. I wanted her to see that it's okay to be on your own. And I was hoping that eventually I would get into a good relationship and be able to say, this is what a good relationship looks like. I wanted something better for my kids. That was the main driving force in my life. And, you know, it wasn't completely selfless. I wanted something real for myself too. When I was ready I wanted to marry again. I did find a wonderful man who is my best friend and who is very supportive of me, and he is wonderful with my children. I'm now in that real marriage I dreamed of for so long. But to get there, to make that change, I first had to believe in myself.
