Within months of marrying her college sweetheart, Monika thought the marriage was over. But a friend gave her some advice that helped turn it all around.
Monika's Story
"I wasn't happy early on in the marriage."
Before we were married, my husband and I had a very rocky love affair. We met in college, dated on and off for five years, and ended up getting married in 2000. There was an absolute fear of, "Am I ruining my life? Is this the right person?" I just had a lot of doubts in myself. I had a lot of doubts in him. I didn't know if he would ever be the man I wanted him to be.
In our first year of marriage, there were constant fights, constant bickering and very little communication. It was almost as if we were speaking two completely different languages. I had lost respect for my husband. I wasn't feeling connected to him, and the only option I felt I had was a divorce.
"A friend of mine from college showed me a way to work on my relationship rather than leave it."
My friend suggested I take a seminar. I went and saw how much I blamed everything I was scared of, everything I did not like in my life, on my husband, that everything I wasn't accomplishing was his fault. I really started looking at myself -- who I was, what did I want out of my life, how was I going to get that -- and not making it anybody else's responsibility.
Now, when I start getting upset or judging people or having expectations, I am able to catch myself and look inside and say, "What is it that you don't have? What is it that's missing for you? What is it that you're not loving yourself about?"
That gives me the peace or the balance or the quiet time to take a step back and say, "I'm missing me. I'm not having a day in the park. I'm not doing my painting. I'm not writing a journal. I'm not playing enough with my children. I'm not doing the things that make me feel loved and full and understood."
"The most important ingredient to my marriage is communication."
Now in my relationship with my husband we can really talk about anything. I feel safe, whereas before, I felt very alone and very isolated. I now feel understood, I feel heard, and I feel appreciated. Now he's my sounding board. He is actually there, walking me through it, asking me questions and participating in the learning about myself as I'm going through it.
Transforming a marriage is not immediate. It definitely can be very frustrating, and along the way I definitely needed to remind myself, "Take your time, listen to what he's saying, and acknowledge when you really see something that is great."
It is so easy to forget to tell people how great they are or what you love about them or what has made you happy or what has brought you joy because you get so inundated on pointing out the things that aren't working, or working through them, or talking through them. Being nice and appreciative not only validates them, but it shows you that you can be gracious.
"My life now is an incredible dream."
Hard work and believing in the future, believing that it was going to work, and believing in myself have given me an incredible emotional connection with my husband. We bicker, but now we laugh about it. And we have the most beautiful children. It's a beautiful little white picket fence family. I'm surprised, I catch myself looking at this and say, "How did this happen?"
