How I Learned to Speak with Affection instead of Accusation

"My relationships used to be a tragic mess."

I saw a pattern in my dating. I'd meet this really wonderful person, sexy and interesting. I'd say to myself, he's going to be the one. He's going to make me feel great for a really long time.

But after a few months, I'd see that he was changing. He wasn't courting me the way he used to, not bringing me flowers, not kissing me the way he used to. He was the problem, right? Relationships are supposed to be easy and beautiful when you are with the right one, and clearly he wasn't, so I was leaving. It was all very dramatic.

"I realized that there was a common denominator in all my relationships, and that was me."

After a while, I realized that it wasn't just bad luck. I started to think about how my actions were causing my relationships to end up like this, and what the women around me did to have such great relationships. At first I thought, well, maybe it's that they are younger than I am, or they are prettier than I am, but that wasn't the case. All different kinds of women are having great relationships. I became my own researcher, asking my friends who were very happy with their partners what they knew, what they had discovered about relationships that was helping them succeed.

"What I found out about myself was that in my relationships, I was condemning and criticizing the men, making them feel like they were always wrong."

I learned that there are two totally different ways of going about approaching your beloved with an issue you may have. For example, imagine he isn't kissing you the way he used to kiss you in the early days, and you wish he would. You can go to him and tell him, "You used to kiss me, but now you don't kiss me anymore, and I'm just really pissed. If you loved me, you'd kiss me. What's changed? Why can't you be that guy you were at first?"

Now, that could be one way of saying it. Or you could try saying, "Honey, I love your kisses. I'll never forget the first time we kissed. I would love it if you would kiss me more often. Actually, I'd love one right now." That's a very different approach, and it's going to get a very different response.

"We need to ask ourselves a simple question: what do I want?"

I really wanted a beautiful relationship. I learned that if I thought about it and put my attention on it, it was more likely to happen and to flourish. If I put my attention on what I don't want, then I'll get what I don't want. Communicating with anyone, especially your man, about what you would love to have and about how happy it would make you will increase the likelihood that you'll get it. Changing your approach can change your world.

"Learning to effectively communicate with men has helped me get the love, passion and compassion that I have always wanted."

When I replaced criticism, complaint, condemnation and contempt with adoration, appreciation, affection and acknowledgement, or what I'd like to call "the angels of a delightful relationship," my relationships started to get a lot easier and more fun. Interestingly enough, if you appreciate and acknowledge someone, you're going to get some really delicious stuff in return. Everybody wants to be valued, but it has to start somewhere. I decided that it would start with me.

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