After a life of playing it safe, Francesca decided to start over and discover the person inside.
Francesca's Story
"I was lost. I didn't really know who I was."
I was raised very traditionally in the Midwest, the youngest and the only girl out of an Italian family. There were a lot of expectations set out for me to be a successful woman -- to be married, to have certain kinds of careers. At a time, I'd wanted to be a writer and do things that are more creative and I was told, "No, you don't want to do that. That won't be safe for you. You want to be in business, or marry a nice doctor." They wanted me to do something that was considered safe. So I did just that. I went to school, got my degree and met a really nice man.
"I was on my honeymoon in Bali, in the midst of all this beauty, when my back started killing me."
My husband put me on the floor, asked me to breathe in and out and pressed down on my back. As soon as my back cracked, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. When I was finally able to speak, all I could say was, "I want to live."
Later, after I had calmed down, I explained to my husband what I thought was happening, that there was a part of me that had never lived, a part of me that wanted to come out.
"I needed to give myself permission to be the things in life that I really want to be."
I decided to start over, and be my own first daughter. The problem wasn't my back or anything else, it was something inside of me that needed to come out. I asked my husband, who was very helpful and supportive, if we could intentionally conceive a new being, my new daughter-self. We lit candles and put on music, stating our intention to create a new life that would be born in nine months.
I began working with a minister because I thought this was a spiritual process, as well. I thought it had something to do with the soul. I feel that each of us has a purpose and a reason to be born. We're each so unique, and if I'm not fulfilling my unique soul, it's almost as if it doesn't matter if I was born.
"People who love you want to support your happiness."
When I first started my rebirth process, which involved writing in my journal, looking at the deeper meanings behind my dreams and talking to a minister and therapist, my husband, friends and family were very supportive. As it got closer to the end of the nine months, however, and they saw how serious I was about it, they would ask me what I thought was going to happen. They asked, "Are you still going to be my wife? Are you still going to be my friend?" When I looked inside, the people pleaser part of me wanted to say yes. But the more authentic part of me that I was really trying to bring forth for the first time was telling me, "I can't speak for someone who's not born yet. I really need to leave this open."
"After the nine months was over, I had a wake, a big party that provided some closure and transition to my new life."
I drove up to a retreat center in the mountains, taking with me all the questions I needed answered. For three weeks, I kept asking myself questions: What do I want to be? What has never lived? What legacy do I want to leave the world? What's stopping me from doing that? I would go on walks during the day, at midnight, under the moon, really creating rituals, really connecting with myself, preparing to be reborn.
A rebirth can be for anyone. If you feel that there are dreams or goals that you had or things that you loved to do at some point in your life that have maybe gotten lost, there's an opportunity to consciously and intentionally create a process to bring these forward. Does it need to be a ritual? No. But it does need to have a sense of purpose, and you must have a goal.
"Even though it's been 15 years, I'm still in the process of an ongoing rebirth."
One of the things I learned from this is that life is an ongoing process of rebirth. Like Helen Keller said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." If I'm not rebirthing myself, if I'm not finding the courage to discover more about what is new, about what is yet to be revealed in me, then I'm stuck.
