Marsha had two miscarriages in a row, and each loss was devastating. But she knew she'd have to find a way to overcome grief if she wanted to have a baby.
Marsha's Story
"I was thinking the world was over."
In 2004, my husband and I decided to start a family. By March 2005 I was pregnant. Everything was going along great, and we were very excited when we went in for our first ultrasound. That was May 5th. We found out that there was a problem -- a fatal problem -- so we had to make the decision to terminate our pregnancy. Having to go through that, I was thinking the world was over. What do we do? What could we do? What could we have done better? I went home and just cried and cried. There was such an empty feeling and such disbelief.
While pregnant I had read so much in books and magazines about connecting with your baby that I'd already gotten into the habit of having that connection by rubbing my belly. I'd do that a lot. After [the loss], if my husband touched my stomach, my immediate reaction was to slap his hand away, and say, "There's nothing in there!"
The crying was non-stop. It seemed like everywhere I went, every time I turned the TV on, I would see a pregnant lady or a baby. I'd flip the channel to get away from it, and there'd be a diaper commercial. I felt like it was just being thrown in my face.
"Something is wrong with your baby."
We found ourselves pregnant again very quickly and were cautiously excited. A few weeks later, we went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. My first reaction was shock, disbelief. All of a sudden the nurse says, "Something is wrong with your baby."
I'd lost another baby. I remember being in the doctor's office. I threw my cell phone, threw anything that was in reach, screaming, "This can't be happening." And it was really disbelief. I couldn't believe that it was over. When we left the office, everybody was crying, and all they could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Clich but true: there are always some roses to smell."
You've got to allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to go through that time. But if it happens to go on longer than a week or two, you definitely need to do something.
With me, it was just a light bulb that went off. It was like a rainy day and the clouds cleared, and, "OK, here's what we need to do. We need to keep living. Enjoy the little things in life, and be thankful for what you do have, be thankful that I have a great husband, great house, great dogs, great friends." A baby, alone, is not going to make me happy; I have to find happiness within myself.
"I started to prepare for my next pregnancy."
One thing that helped me feel better was going to the gym, getting my mind off things, and working out the frustration. I also completely changed my diet.
It helped to talk through it with my husband and my parents, and I also started to write in a journal. I sat down one night and wrote five pages, and it was really cathartic going through all the steps, reliving it.
"Third time's a charm."
Having a positive attitude definitely helps getting pregnant again. They always say, the more you focus on it, the harder it is going to be. When I started looking at the positive it took my mind off it and now look. As of today, I am eight weeks and two days pregnant, and so far, everything is looking great. We were seeing a specialist, and he was able to point out every little thing on the ultrasound. We now know there is no evidence of anencephaly, which claimed the first baby. We both went into this again feeling very excited. This is going to be the one.
