Marcie was sexually abused by a relative when she was 7 years old, and when her own daughter approached that age it became painfully clear how much innocence could be lost. That's when she started having a cleverly-disguised sex talk.
Marcie's Story
"The threat of abuse is so frightening."
In September 2005, one of the men who abused me sexually as a child died, my Uncle George. He was in prison at the time for raping the very young daughter of his girlfriend. He got a brain tumor and ended up dying. I got the phone call that he had died, and I had to put my 7-year-old daughter in the bed right after that. I stood outside her bedroom door and cried for her and for me because it's so frightening. The abuse with me started right around her age.
"I don't want to scare her, but I have a certain amount of fear."
I don't know if my mother trusted men that she shouldn't have, but they were people that you're supposed to be able to trust - her own brother, for one. One of the problems that I had growing up is that I had to grow up so quickly and my innocence was lost so fast, so I try to make sure that my daughter maintains probably more innocence than her friends. We don't have cable. She's not allowed to watch much television. But I still stay a good bit paranoid.
"I constantly question her and tell her that she can tell me anything."
She was having problems going to sleep at her father's house a couple of months ago, and she just really did not want to go there and fought me on going to stay the night at her dad's house. She does it every Saturday and every other Monday night, so I got immediately frightened, not of her father but maybe one of his friends or something like that. I constantly questioned her, but there was nothing.
My relationship with my mother as a child was not one where I could not come to her outright and say, "This is happening to me," whereas my relationship with my daughter, she can come outright and say, "This is happening to me." I always make it clear to her that she can tell me anything, but I go beyond that and say, "If someone tells you you cannot tell me, that is when you definitely tell me. If someone tells you that they will hurt you, me or anyone that you love, they will not. I assure you of that. That is when you absolutely tell me. If anyone ever tells you don't tell your mom, don't tell your dad, that is when you tell us."
"I've learned how to phrase those questions so that she'd have no clue what I'm talking about unless something was happening."
I don't come right out and say, "Did someone touch your vagina?" Instead I ask her, "Are you uncomfortable? Did anything make you uncomfortable? Do you feel safe where you are? Has anyone touched you or said things to you or showed you anything that made you just feel like it wasn't right, even if you're not sure, but did you ever get any kind of feeling in your stomach?"
A kid knows when they are uncomfortable, so safety and comfort are really the two terms to use. If someone shows them porn, that's still child abuse. You might not think to ask that if someone has shown them porn, but your child will know if that made them feel uncomfortable.
I know that my childhood sexual abuse was extremely damaging. I deal with it every day. And if having a conversation with my daughter can protect her from it, I'm going to do that no matter how awkward it is.
