Laverne spent her entire life being a mother to her children. Now that her babies are adults, she's had to redefine what it means to parent and accept that sometimes the best thing you can do is let go.
Laverne's Story
"Having a big family had a lot to do with the life I came from and the life that I expected to have."
I have five children. My oldest daughter, Danielle, was born when I was almost 21, and she is now about 38. Dana is 36, Donnie is 34, D.J. is 26, and Johnny, my youngest, is 21. I always figured that I would have a large family. It is what I came from and what I thought you did. Now we have what is called a stay-at-home mom, but in 1964, that term didn't exist. Your life was about taking care of your family. You took walks, you gardened, you made a grocery list, you cleaned house. It sounds mundane, but I didn't think of it that way. My mom's message was always, "You just take one day at a time, you clean one room at a time," and you don't get overwhelmed or anything like that.
"You really have to step back as your children become adults and trust that they are going to make the right decisions."
I am 59 years old now and I have wonderful adult children, 11 in all after I married my third husband. I've started to realize that this is how they turned out and I did everything I could. No matter who we are and how we parent we really parent the very best that we can. Even though we may have thought we made mistakes -- maybe we shouldn't have divorced, maybe we shouldn't have moved -- in the moments you were giving love to your children you did the best you could.
"There's this reversal that happens with time where your children, in a sense, become your parents."
One of the major turning points as far as me realizing my children were adults happened with Johnny, my youngest, who was my wildest child and gave me lots of opportunities to drive around town at 3 a.m. He is a white water rafting guide, and he took me and his sister on the Upper Gauley River. Now this is my little Johnny and his little voice changes and everything, and he says, "Rafting is dangerous, you can die on the river, these are the things you need to do." Then we were on the river, and he was telling us this and telling us that. There was no negotiating in this conversation, there was no arguing, it didn't matter that I am the mother. Johnny was in charge and we were to do whatever Johnny says. That is pretty much what happens with your kids when they become adults. They are in charge of their life and they know what they are going to do. They are going to make decisions and they are going to make mistakes, but you can't live life without making mistakes.
"It is all about support."
Another young woman on the rafting trip, she was a videographer, and she was saying how great Johnny was at what he does. Larry, Johnny's stepfather, said, "Well, I don't know how much we had to do with it," meaning your kids are going to turn out pretty much how they turn out. She said, "It is all about support, it is all about support."
I felt like those were some of the wisest words I have heard in a long time. When your children call up as adults and say, "I think I am going to go to Brazil for the winter and kayak," you say, "Oh, well, that sounds like it could be really interesting and challenging." You may think, "What?! You are what? How are you going to pay for this and all that?" You just have to be supportive of whatever your adult children want to do.
