For Vanessa, becoming a mom meant nine months of anxiety and self-doubt. But after her daughter was born, she learned that being a mom meant a lifetime of joy and fulfillment.
Vanessa's Story
"When I found out I was pregnant, it was a roller coaster of emotions."
I found out that I was pregnant on New Years Day. I took a pregnancy test and said to my husband, "Happy New Year. Guess what is going to be happening this year." He was floored and more nervous than anything, and he started going through the list of "Can we afford this" and "Should we be doing this?" As the idea grew on him, he got more and more excited.
I was definitely excited and thrilled and looking forward to being pregnant and having a baby, but from time to time I would get some anxiety. My husband and I had this great life before so why would we go and screw it up? Ninety-nine percent of the time I felt ecstatic and thrilled, but then there were times where I was wondering if I was ready for what was coming up.
"Being pregnant felt like that is what being a woman is about."
It is very fulfilling. For the first few weeks I felt a little bit sick, but other than that I really enjoyed it. My feet were definitely swollen; I was nine months pregnant in August and September so it was a little bit of a nightmare. I definitely had the mood swings, and some of those things drove my friends and husband a little crazy towards the end. I don't think I was sad, but I think it was more the anxiety of if I was ready to do this.
My husband helped me through the anxiety a lot. He is really good at staying calm and walking through the logic of things. He was really very supportive.
"I was in denial about the whole giving birth thing."
I knew that I wanted an epidural, so I had it in my mind that it was going to be easy, quick and pain free. But that is not how it turned out to be! I was five days late so they decided to induce. I had an epidural shortly after that because my contractions came pretty quickly. My best friend was there with me, as was my husband. We played games and watched TV for hours. It hardly felt like labor. Then it came time to start pushing and that's when the epidural starting wearing off -- perfect timing. I pushed for a few hours, a part of a day. You can do anything for a part of a day.
"It's hard to put into words how I felt."
When she was born, it was completely overwhelming. It was joy, happiness, bewilderment. It was a sense of relief that the labor was over and she was healthy. She was screaming, which is exactly what you want. It was amazing.
"I was actually surprised at how I fell right into the swing of things."
I am a little bit of a Type-A organized person, and I was afraid that I was going to try and have everything be rigid, but it actually ended up being kind of natural to just go with the flow. Instead of getting anxious and worked up, it was better to just roll with it, to take cues from the baby. Again my husband was a huge support in that, and we became a team. We didn't worry too much about if we were doing this right or that right. If you just relax and go with it, it will go well.
"Every once in a while it hits me that I am a mom."
On the one hand I can't imagine life without her and almost can't remember life without her. But then every once in a while it hits me that I am a mom. People will refer to me as mom and it doesn't feel quite right and I will look around for my mom in the room. But most of the time it feels natural and right.
