Joanne fluctuated between charity binges and suicidal tendencies for most of her life. After her daughters were diagnosed as bipolar, she realized she shared their condition, and with that knowledge, came the power to control it.
Joanne's Story
"When I was 12, I had no idea what was happening to me, but something wasn't right.
Bipolar is a syndrome, a chemical imbalance, and it is hard to diagnose. I grew up normal -- normal family, normal childhood -- and when I was 12, the bipolar kicked in. It often kicks in when there is a big change in your life, and in my case it came with my dad's death. I lost all my friends, no one would talk to me. They would completely leave me out of their conversations; they would walk away from me at lunch time. Teachers hated me. I was saying and doing things that aren't acceptable, which is what you do when you are bipolar, but I was totally unaware that I was doing these things.
"I had two kids, a horrible job, and thoughts of suicide."
I was crying every day, and I still didn't know what was wrong with me. My husband convinced me to take meds for my depression, and I started on Prozac. Once I started on Prozac I was able to stay at one job for seven years – until then I'd spend six months at one job, a year at another, jumping all over the country. When you are on meds you feel good, and then some people make the mistake of getting off the meds because they are feeling good. Then they go back to their old ways and make people angry, say the wrong things, go out and buy a $50,000 car they can't afford, or do some other manic things. They are unaware that it is happening until someone says something to them.
"I finally learned I was 'bipolar' when my daughters were diagnosed."
My daughter Annie was a perfect child up until the second grade. One day she started acting like the little girl in The Exorcist. She put a hole in the door, turned her furniture over, pulled all of her clothes out of her closet drawers. She would scream, and you could not stop her from screaming. She would go on and on like this until she fell asleep, completely worn out. Two years later the same thing happened to my daughter Elizabeth. It wasn't until three or four years of watching them developing bipolar that I realized, "Oh, that is me." They acted just like I did, they had my same genes.
"Knowing what I've got helps me know what to expect."
I am a frequent cycler -- up, down, up, down. I go up and down several times a day. If I get depressed, I know that it is happening and I pull away and go to sleep. If I am manic I make sure I stay out of stores. I'd go to the grocery store and see something on sale, and I don't buy one -- I buy 20. I have spent thousands on charity -- $5,000 on coats for a shelter once. My husband calls me a "charityaholic." I still give to charity; I am just not lunatic crazy like I was before. Now that I know what is happening, I can control it.
It is mostly knowing when to open your mouth and when to keep it shut. I'll be in social situations and start to feel that I'm getting too bubbly, and then I know I have to be careful. I have actually had to say, "Excuse me for anything that I said. The mania is kicking in." Then I have to leave, to pull myself from the situation.
"I have often wondered what it would be like to be normal and not bipolar."
Of course I'd like to be normal, but for the most part, I have had such a great life. Since I am bipolar, I have jumped into so many things without second-guessing myself. I can interject in almost any conversation because I have been there, done that, know about it. It has given me the ability to write, my creativity. I would definitely live this life again.