"When you enter into a relationship to find happiness, your lover is nothing more than a hostage." ~Anonymous

I once met a Buddhist monk known as a Rinpoche. He gave a talk on love and questioned the expression “falling in love.” All too often in the midst of a relationship, one loses their sense of self and "falling in love" takes on an entirely different meaning.

I have one friend whose marriage ended a number of years ago. She says that she stopped doing all the things that brought her joy and instead focused on the things that brought both her and her ex-husband joy. She acted on behalf of the unit rather than her own person. While it’s important as a couple to find common interests, it’s equally important to nurture your personal interests. There must be a balance.

Alone time is essential to maintaining a sense of self. Alice Koller said, “Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your won presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement.”

Peaceful solitude is an art that requires practice. If you’re not used to being alone, it’s a scary proposition. Think of how many relationships are fueled by the fear of being alone, rather than the love of being together.

Alone time doesn’t have to be a spiritual thing. Let me offer you a scientific reason to get to know yourself better. Psychiatrists conducted tests studying a man's state of happiness after he was paralyzed from the waist down from a car accident, and a woman's state of happiness after she won millions of dollars in a lottery.

The paralyzed man initially suffered from extreme depression; however, he eventually returned to the same state of happiness he experienced before the accident. The suddenly-rich woman initially leaped for joy amid her pile of cash, but eventually dropped back down to the level of happiness in her life before scratching the winning ticket.

In other words, happiness can be attained without regard to one's external environment. The foundation of a deep and pure sense of fulfillment and happiness must arise from one's inner world. Paramahansa Yogananda, a famous Indian scholar and advocate of the human spirit, says,"Only those who partake of the harmony within their souls know the harmony that runs through nature. Whosoever lacks this inner harmony feels also a lack of it in the world."

Whether it’s a 30-year marriage or a brand new relationship, we all tend to fall in love... not with another person but from a sense of self. By finding time to get reacquainted with your passion, truth and purpose, you feel renewed momentum and fresh inspiration. You’re more likely to aspire to personal goals. You’re more able to follow your instincts. On this reenergized path, you don’t fall… you rise in love.

This Valentine's Day, rise in love. Dedicate a portion of the Valentine’s day to your sense of self. Here are some ideas.

1. Define Happiness

It’s really important to define your happiness independent of anyone else. For instance, my girlfriend loves watching the reality show Rock of Love. I try to watch the show, and it makes me feel like drinking cheap beer and going to a strip club. Not that I like strip clubs or cheap beer, but the show just doesn’t make me feel good.

Be careful of compromising your taste in food, entertainment or fashion to please another. Your individuality is what made you attractive to your partner in the first place. So this Valentine’s Day, be yourself. Bust out your Flash Gordon costume. Taper your jeans. Demand Mongolian barbecue. I'm not saying be selfish. Rather, be your absolute and most truthful self. That’s real love.

2. Invent your own form of meditation

Meditation is a fancy word for spending a few minutes every day checking in with your present state of mind and body. You can find meditation through writing, through basketball, through dancing in public, or whatever enables you to let go of the outside world and discover the inside one.

I live in Santa Monica and everyday I drive down Wilshire Boulevard. There’s a guy in a crazy costume who dances on the street to bring business into a storefront. He gets so into his craziness that he forgets passersby are watching him. It's his own unique form of tuning out and diving in.

William Cowper said, “Meditation thinks down hours to moments.” If you can find just one of those moments everyday, you are more likely to find stable footing in the game of love. This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to an activity or meal that enables you to disengage from ordinary living. Dive a little deeper.

3. Touch Yourself

This might sound like a creepy idea. I don’t mean literally touch yourself. I mean allow yourself to experience something that brings up emotion. The Buddha said, “We don’t learn from experience. We learn from our capacity for experience.” This means that you get so much more from life when you allow yourself to feel life without flinching, running or hiding.

Take a look at some pictures that bring back memories. Buy a cologne that reminds you of a past relationship. Dare to bring up emotional issues with your partner. It’s not necessarily a straight and easy road on the way to self-discovery. Julien Green said, "The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the one who descends to the depth of their heart." This Valentine’s Day, feel life a little more fully.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi