Stand Up Man
I was listening to bullet head (Dr Phil) the other day, watching his darting eyes of silver as he hawked his latest money making scheme. This time he descended into the lucrative fat arena along with Dr Atkins and a host of others……….why not. If we will fall for Dubya we will fall for anything. I too will descend, who knows I may utter the winners pealing shouts (if you don’t know who said that then I ain’t a plagiarist).
I am a very handsome man……yep, I said that and twenty years ago you could add another very on that. That and the fact that I have this way with words had the girls tripping me when I passed by… no brag, just fact. Except for the times I was fat….Jesus. I found out I had a weight problem when I traded in my baseball spikes for a briefcase my first year out of college. From year one in the real world my weight averaged a sixty-pound variance every year from the age of 24 to the age of 54, I think you will agree that this is not good. In June I would weigh 174 to 180, then in the Fall I would start to gain and by December I would weigh 205 to 210. I would become super charged to lose weight after the Super bowl (mainly to start getting a date) and do all the things we all do, diets, running, spas, light beer, hold the cheese on the whopper. My vanity stopped me from weighing a thousand pounds plus I became a rheumatoid arthritic, which ended the physical crutch I had been depending on. I was like a Dali character with boiled beans or in my case hoagies.
I discovered what I’m going to tell you during one of my “blind leading the blind, double blind” studies. The discovery was quite by accident, I noticed it when I looked over my shoulder, kind of like that Fleming guy with the mold. Remember, all that other stuff like: pulling the skin off the chicken and why you do that and frying it up finger licking good in a mixture of 40% Olive Oil and 60% Canola Oil and aerobics and cutting down on fast foods to a once a quarter celebration. No don’t forget those things but they are not the major, major, major problem.
THE PROBLEM IS RITUAL AND THE INCREDIBLE MEMORY AND POWER OF THE DOUBLE HELIX. (DNA)
NUMBER ONE: EAT STANDING UP
I now eat all meals standing up and have since 1996, I prepare them my self, I am not a vegetarian, and I drink 6 to 8 bottles of Guiness Extra Stout a day. I eat baby back ribs, pizza, the occasional take out (sub, Chinese)……anything and everything. See when you sit for a meal, it’s usually about the same time of day and that, the seated position and the first smell of pizza alerts the double helix and it switches on the “feeding ignition”, just like it did 6000 years ago, 60,000 years ago, 6,000,000 years ago…..back in a time when three meals a day weren’t automatic, back when surviving the winter meant increasing body fat (especially for the female for the little ones).
When you eat standing up several things are going to happen. First is that within a short period of time the “feeding signal” is going to diminish……then dim. I make myself something to eat (after I make my mother’s meal, I take care of her). I put it on the counter, take a couple of bites and a swig of Guinness then I walk over and turn on the TV then I realize I promised mom I would water her plants, I do that then take a few more bites (the ritual is being dismantled) then tune my guitar……get the picture. There is one more thing……[THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS DINNER MUST END TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY] Especially Thanksgiving. In yesteryear (60, 600, 6000, 6,000,000) when things got cool and crisp that set the double helix into overdrive and the urge to gorge evolved into a gorge celebration and this day alone can cause metabolic insanity.
I am at http://zebox.com/misipitrik and the rest of StandUpMan is at http://zebox.com/misipitrik2
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