I have met a number of women lately who are either considering or in the process of divorce. These women have used a variety of strategies to take care of themselves.

Of course men also suffer during a divorce, but women have particular needs that reflect the reality of being a female in a culture that is still, in some ways, male dominated.

Try Another Location
A family member is in the midst of divorce and she is spending a month away. She believed that, by spending some time in an unfamiliar setting (a different country, in fact), she could remember who she was before she married. And it is true that we all change when we enter a relationship.  Although one can't run away from problems, changing the location can sometimes help us remember who we really are as an individual rather than as half a partnership.

Get Mad and Sad
A client of mine just ended a very unhealthy marriage, which included negotiating custody of her two children. She is rather tough lady and was determined to put on a brave face and "get on with her life." The reality was that she was extremely angry and hurt.

I was very relieved when she opened up and let her sadness and anger out. Far from being weak or indulgent, her tears were the beginning of going through the mourning that marks the end of every relationship.

Reinvent
While divorce marks an ending, it also marks a new beginning for many women. Unconstrained by the preconceptions and needs of their spouse, women who are ending relationships can reinvent themselves professionally.

My own grandmother, who divorced her husband late in life, found her greatest happiness when she pursued a new work life after divorce. The nearly 30 years she spent working after her divorce were by far the happiest of her life and would never have happened had she remained married.

Don't Be A Miserable Mom
Female clients frequently tell me that they remain in relationships because they believe it to be their responsibility as mothers. Although these women are to be congratulated for their selflessness, I wonder if they really achieve their goal of being the best mom possible by staying in an unhappy marriage.

The other day a young man told me that he was glad that his parents divorced because they were so miserable and that his parents at least had a shot at happiness once they had ended their marriage.

Forgive But Don't Forget
As anyone who has read my work knows, I am a great believer in forgiveness. Continued anger and resentment toward another person becomes a sickness inside of us, hurting us far more than the object of our ire.

But forgiveness does not mean that we should forget the mistakes we have made in past relationships. I have a female friend who brings herself great unhappiness is picking the same type of man over and over again, and is devastated when the relationships all turn out the same. 

In her case, divorce does not seem to bring awareness. Once she forgets the pain of her most recent relationship, she dives into another one much the same.

The wedding industry raked in $50 billion last year. Many of those dollars were spent in pursuing a fantasy that is force fed to young women in our culture. While I wish you every happiness if you do get married, I hope you will remember that you can still have a healthy, happy life if the marriage doesn't match the fantasy.