After the Affair By Dr. Laura Berman - Posted Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 12:07 pm PST

1. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 12:48 pm PST

Its Not Easy, once a partner has cheated on you. I was married 15-years and he cheated on me the first 3-years. I didn't find out, well really have evidence until 3. I always knew. When he finally decided to confess. It was so very hard. Then to make it worst he got in a bad automobile accident the next day (on the phone with one of the girls telling her it was off and he had confided in me) then he got hit big time and he was speaking out of his head for a week. (so i had to be nice, lol)! Anyway, we worked through it. It was hard for me, I felt ugly unattractive and felt I didn't fulfil his needs. But with all the negative emotional feelings it also made are brought about alot of changes in me. I knew I could not live like that. So I begin to change me! Which had brought our marriage closer and changed me a whole lot. But our marriage end up failing because of other reasons. But I do feel it is possible to work through it once, if change happens, but not if they continued to cheat.

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2. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 1:31 pm PST

DREAMS Fleetwood Mac (Stevie Nicks) Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down It's only right that you should Play the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat...drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost... And what you had... And what you lost Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say...Women...they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean...you'll know Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself It's only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams and... Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness... Like a heartbeat...drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had... And what you lost And what you had... And what you lost Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say...Women...they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean...you'll know

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3. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 2:10 pm PST

I have to admire anyone who can truly forgive a cheater and come out of the experience w/ a better relationship. Of course, it is highly unlikely to happen that way in most cases. Loyalty is very important to me and I demand it from a partner. Truth is, I don't know if I would want to get past that kind of betrayal.

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4. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 4:53 pm PST

New poster, Wf had an "emotional" Afair 5 yrs ago. Many things from day to day bring back the memories. We survived and actually came out stronger. It was a need issue, I wasn't meeting hers, a guy came around that "sweet talked her" and she fell. I found out by checking e-mail and had spy software running, I was suspicious. It worked. Doing great now. 25 yrs married.

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5. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 4:53 pm PST

New poster, Wf had an "emotional" Afair 5 yrs ago. Many things from day to day bring back the memories. We survived and actually came out stronger. It was a need issue, I wasn't meeting hers, a guy came around that "sweet talked her" and she fell. I found out by checking e-mail and had spy software running, I was suspicious. It worked. Doing great now. 25 yrs married.

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6. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 6:49 pm PST

for me that would be a big breach of trust, I fail to see how you could ever regain it or start over.

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7. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 7:09 pm PST

Rebuild trust? That's a really tall order. Even the suggestions given (accounting for time) is counterintuitive to the fundamental concept of trust. I couldn't get past the thought: once a cheater, always a cheater.

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8. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 7:17 pm PST

Well...everyone is different, and it worked for us. Like I said, it never goes away. Things recall it from time to time. But divorce is worse I think. At the time we had 16 & 14 yr kids at home. Counseling at our church and a committment to work it out.

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9. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 7:17 pm PST

Well...everyone is different, and it worked for us. Like I said, it never goes away. Things recall it from time to time. But divorce is worse I think. At the time we had 16 & 14 yr kids at home. Counseling at our church and a committment to work it out.

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10. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 7:17 pm PST

Well...everyone is different, and it worked for us. Like I said, it never goes away. Things recall it from time to time. But divorce is worse I think. At the time we had 16 & 14 yr kids at home. Counseling at our church and a committment to work it out.

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11. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 7:29 pm PST

jnvc57 - hope you didn't think I was commenting on your post. Those were just my general thoughts on the topic. I'm happy things worked out in the end for you and your wife. I wish you both many more years of togetherness. Cheers!

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12. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Fri, Nov 17, 2006, 10:12 pm PST

I wanted to know what he was going to get from her that he wasn't getting from me. When he said nothing it shattered me. I felt like he had given up on us. In attempt to accept his unfaithfulness and move on whith our lives together all I wanted was the truth about what had happened, if he could give that to me then we deserved the chance to rebuild our relationship together, if not, then why should we continue a relationship that would only be filled with lies and at some point unfaithfulness again? I still feel like I'm waiting for the truth, and often wonder if I'm just destined for heartbreak all over again.

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13. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Sat, Nov 18, 2006, 7:52 am PST

lady-so sorry to hear what you have been through.Yes, I dont agree with cheaters, i tried to get past mine because i was pregnant at the time. The last time he had cheated on me the dumb a** got carpet burns on his knees........should I say anymore!lol

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14. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Sat, Nov 18, 2006, 8:01 am PST

My mom got pregnant for me, when my dad was still married! So I've been down that road, heard the stories. The once a cheater always a cheater scares me. I know my dad cheated on first wife, and also on my mom. But she knew he was married so..but they are still together, i know they love each other, and have been through alot. I just dont wont to go down that road. Is it possible to be with a guy who doesn't cheat? You know I heard excuses, she doesn't meet my needs, but that was not or isn't always the case. At least it wasnt with me. I was pregnant, loves sex, guess i just wasnt' attractive. I gained 20 lbs during my pregnancy. I remember, how it felt, you feel like your just not pretty enough. And I was jealous, then i knew i could not live like that. So I worked on me, and if he wanted to check a girl out, and if he was going to cheat again, it was going to be HIS lost...not mine. So that was the attitude, i developed, I refused to be jealous, or suspicious of him all the time. I did come out better and change in ALOT of ways. I just wonder, if I will find someone who could be faithful, and open. I dont wont to get married and live miserable ever again.

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15. Posted by A Yahoo! Health User on Sat, Nov 18, 2006, 8:05 am PST

I also want to say, Im not pointing at men being the only cheaters. I re-read and didn't like the way that sounded. I know women who are unfaithful also. I want someone to trust me and I want to trust them. Being faithful! Is important, it is very degrading when one cheats on you. anyway got to pack leaving around 3am

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