1. Posted by Lovley22 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 4:54 pm PDT

i believe in what your saying but my husband cheated on me two times while i was pregnant with our second child. Not only did he cheat but he did it unprotected and came home telling me i should get checked out. Now how embarrassing is that? He would just tell me that he has a infactuation problem to where he cant control his temptetion for other girls when he's angry at me. I just recently moved out and took me and my two girls, which are 3yrs and 10mths now and got our clothes and left to my familys house. He is trying everything in his power to stop me from really leaving him for good but my mind is not made up yet. I have been hurting for 4 years too long and its not just from the cheating, we have many other issues in our relationship that tell me i need to leave but so far all that i could do was make the attempt by moving out of the house. Now when it comes to getting a legal divorce-im not sure im ready, but all the signs are there telling me to do it. I guess im just scared to be alone and try to trust another man not to do the same as he done to me. What makes it really confusing is that there is a man at work that is amazing in my eyes but is in a relationship with a women that he's trying to leave. we havent steped into any boundries that we shouldnt besides talking on the phone but then again i feel like im doing exactly what i didnt like my husband doing. i want to leave my husband because i know it would be best for me and the kids but at the same time i've been with this man for 4 years straight and 4 years off and on before we got married and the choice i have to make is hard for my heart to just let go. if you have any advice or anything to say that could help me make a easier discion it would be great because im lost and stuck.

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2. Posted by gilteeegirl on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 5:08 pm PDT

Great advice, Dr. B!! and soooo right on! Most any cheating I have witnessed is from a person feeling unappreciated... but I have known of the "revenge thing" being used as an excuse a few times also.

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3. Posted by estherrg2007 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 5:13 pm PDT

I really agree with you on this one!! I used to be really uptight and and very untrustworthy, but that all changed within time and everything turned around and became great!!

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4. Posted by Karen M on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 5:32 pm PDT

Aaahhh. Dr. B... I knew you had it in you...great article...so very true in a lot of relationships. Everyone needs to feel wanted and appreciated in a relationship. The rest you have explained. Great article. K

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5. Posted by Karen M on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 5:33 pm PDT

#1, girl, run, run, run like the wind!!!get away from him ASAP!

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6. Posted by gilteeegirl on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 5:55 pm PDT

#1.. wfinnigan.. You just demonstrated MOST of Dr. Berman's reasons for cheating in this article!! I think your husband is cheating out of "insecurity" and "low self-esteem"... and as Dr. B said in the article, maybe couples counselling (or on his own) would help. When one has low self-esteem they often fall easily for anyone who pays attention to them because it makes them feel better, momentarily. (he may call it an infactuation problem... but I say it's low self-esteem).. then you said you are attracted to a man at work pretty much because you feel unappreciated, and also with a little "revenge" in there also!! I think if you really want to make it work, you'd better get talking to him and make your feelings known and get counseling. Otherwise, break it off or you BOTH will be cheating throughout your whole marriage!!!! Good luck, and I hope it all works out well for you whatever you decide.

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7. Posted by twhorsegirl on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 6:33 pm PDT

I'am in a relationship with a man of four in a half years.I all so found out he was chating on line with women on the dating sites..."Sooo i moved out"...Now he wants me back says he will never do it again.But i think that is cheating...maybe he did'nt phyisically cheat but he emotionally cheated and i think that is just as bad. And i think if i move back in with him he will do it again...I'm really confused i love this man...

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8. Posted by pnana50 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 6:37 pm PDT

I have been married for 23 years to a younger abusive man.He was in prison for 18 months for forgery.He got caught by strangling me. I had no contact with him for 6 months then he found me and we started writing and telephones calls.When he got out he went to a different state than where I was and we continued to talk and plan our future.I went to where he was,interviewed for jobs in March,planned,looked at homes,and had a great visit.We were going to go to counciling too.Went back home packed got to him in June and he already had a younger girlfriend and wouldn't even talk to me.I'm an educated woman,but this man took me for everything.I wish nothing good for him at all!!!!!!

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9. Posted by gilteeegirl on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 6:45 pm PDT

#6... SORRY!!!! Holy Smokes!!! I did not write anything bad to you.... I don't know why the letters got scrambled like that (and looks like I said a naughty word!! ha!!) I didn't!!!!..... all I did was type your Yahoo name as it appears on here!!! Sorry...

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10. Posted by butterflylily22 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 7:05 pm PDT

#1... I can truly understand how you feel. Especially lost and confused at times, but it is getting better day by day. My husband also cheated on me and left me twice for the same woman. Well after a long 8 years I took our son (who was 5) and moved out into my own place. I have not divorced him yet cause like you, I have not made that decision. Its coming up on a year we've been separated and all I can say it feels GREAT to gain my life/sanity back. I know the road seem hard and long but just take it one day at a time, and if that seems to much, then take each day slowly by the hour. YES you are going to run into new love that may seem great at first and then may cause your heart to ache because after marriage it take time to get back into the swing of things. So remember it take a woman (or man) with a lot of courage and heart to stand up and say, "It does not matter what REASON (excuse) you give me on why you thought it was ok to deceive me and our home". Because in the end whether it was low self esteem, infactuation problem, feeling unwanted, needing an escape from home, she or he understood me better, stressed, you spent to much money (my personal favorite) and/or JUST PLAIN WEAK they are still destroying a home and the lives of the people who dedicated themself to loving them. On a different note interesting article i have mixed emotions about it!

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11. Posted by alicelhp79 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 7:15 pm PDT

Just my personal views on this topic..i think another reason that is simple and without any need to analyse further would be: Boredom, need for occasional changes. Sometimes one just feel bored in a relationship with the same person, expecting to do and say the same thing every now and then. some people cheat but still love their partners alot but just cannot control the feeling of boredom in them. they want a fresh feeling of excitement; knowing and touching someone new and getting involved in a new circle despite knowing the hurt caused to their partners and not caring for the later consequences. I agree with Dr B. that communication is important and sometimes knowing the unknown part of yourself is also crucial to understand why things happened and perhaps what can a couple do to prevent/repent on this together if the relationship is worth salvaging.

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12. Posted by u2erin77 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 7:22 pm PDT

what if you cant ............. nothing I say is taken seriously

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13. Posted by Becca on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 7:35 pm PDT

Women are often guilty of making a fellow feel "inadequate". She insinuates he's not quite up to the task of being a man. Faultfinding... you know that certain kind of "Hen pecking" about little things, this, over time can stimulate the man to stray. Men on the other hand are often guilty of a certain kind of emotional neglect. They stop cherishing the gal the way they did in the beginning, the fellow begins to communicate in a way that lacks tenderness, he becomes "care-less", so to speak, this can stimulate the woman to stray. Often you see both things happening in a relationship, one form of behavior in one party,evokes the other form in the other party, and who knows where it all started... When you hear the couple broke up you are not surprised...easy enough to see in others...the question though, is: am I guilty of doing it? I think most of us are to some extent or another. If you find yourself in a relationship where this patern has become the norm, it makes sence that you want to change it for the better... the big question is How? One trick is to open up some kind of dialogue with your partner in order to address the situation, as the good Dr. suggests. Yet this is not very easy, because of all the resentments that have been building up, the bad emotional habits that have been established between the two of you. But you have to start somewhere. A good place to start is to claim your own problem. That is to say: "I have a problem with my responce to your behavior..." which is different than saying "your behavior is my problem...". When we say "I have a problem I need help with..."then we are more likely to engage our partner in a positive way. When we say:"you are the problem..." the it tends to evoke a negative response in our partner. All in all to have a successful longterm relationship is not easy, it requires effort, thoughtfulness, and a certain kind of fortitude that is willing to go beyond the average limitations of relationship. Yet the rewards of going beyond the ordinary limits of relationship, can lead one to a kind of love that is enduring, a love where each person fosters the other person's wellbeing, by behaving with kindness toward the other. This is a great thing. And is this not the kind of relationship we all really want?

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14. Posted by tracim6578 on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 7:43 pm PDT

All the reasons listed above are legit when it comes to cheating. I still don't understand what is the driving force(s) that cause people to cheat on their significant other. I know that i used to be a faithful partner. Then after being cheated on, decieved, dumped off, in other words, my heart was completely broken from all angles. Now, I'm just not as sweet as I used to be. The men I have relationships with are equally special to me, I just can't decide between the two. Both of them have amazing qualities, and each one treats me how I wanted to be treated for a years. I guess it boils down to which one decides he wants a commitment first. Even then, I don't know that I could choose one and walk away from the other. People cheat because they can. But it's not considered cheating if both people have not qualified the relationship they share. There are so many gray, murky areas when it comes to having sex with someone, but not claiming them as your significant other. Play the feild while you still can, you only live once. Always treat others exactly how you want to be treated and don't be a double standard. You cannot get mad at someone for doing exactly what you do.

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15. Posted by yergardianangel on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 8:09 pm PDT

this info is ok but i do agree with the low self esteem one even though my self esteem isn't that low

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