Did you know that nearly one in five marriages is considered sexless? A sexless marriage is defined as sex no more than 10 times per year.
Not surprisingly, most sexless marriages feature a man who wants more sex and a woman who doesn't. There are certainly exceptions, but it's mostly men who are feeling left in the dust sexually. And it usually happens after kids. Here is an excerpt from a funny, but heart-breaking, post on Craig's List:
"Hey married ladies, answer a question for me -- is it really such a chore to have sex with your husband?
I'm one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who's kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it's way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.
Somebody help me out here -- what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you've exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you've taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the "Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold" -- patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I'm depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone."
Like most men in a low- or no-sex marriage, he feels ignored, rejected, desperate and stripped of the love and affection he once shared with his spouse. He literally doesn't know where to turn. He goes on to say:
"I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that's the case, why doesn't she want it more often - I just don't get it...And no, I don't look like Quasimodo - I'm actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I'm not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning - I don't have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife's box. Nope, I get it - I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I'm not looking for sex - okay, I pretend I'm not looking for sex. I don't have a drinking or drug problem, I'm not abusive, and I'm not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I'm a good father, I'm reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, - I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn't give her the right to neglect her husband."
Most men in sexless marriages feel bewildered and stay in the marriage for other reasons, like children or because they still love their spouse! But the threads that bind them together wear thinner and thinner the longer time goes on, and eventually, something breaks.
Sexless marriages are more than just sexually frustrating. Ultimately, when sex is infrequent or nonexistent, there is an emotional and spiritual connection to one's spouse that is missing. Working on the problem from the perspective of the relationship is the only way it's going to get "fixed." Sex is actually not the problem -- it's simply the way that deeper problems in the relationship are being communicated. Unconsciously and consciously, sex becomes an instrument of control and power in the relationship. And there are always two (or three) sides to the story.
To the author of the Craig's List posting: If you're out there, contact me (1-800-709-4709), I want to interview you for my Sun-Times column and encourage you to come get some help, for you and your wife, if you're still together!
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