I just found a piece of paper from over a decade ago, on which I listed the pros and cons of continuing to attempt to get pregnant. At the time, my only child (Dan) was 4 or 5. I think if we had never had children I would have tried everything, including egg donor or adoption. I really wanted to be a mom; we really wanted to be parents. But having had that experience, the decision on how far to go to have another child was a challenge, especially since my husband was happy with one child.
My first pregnancy was complicated by ten weeks of bed rest for premature labor, and separation from the baby at birth as he was transferred to the newborn ICU for a blood disorder that was very scary but turned out OK. I'd had trouble conceiving him and was not getting younger, so we had already been trying unsuccessfully to make him a sibling since he was a year old. I had a $400 a day fertility drug "habit" that wasn't getting me anywhere, and the emotional strain was making me ask myself if it was worth it.
The list is kind of blunt, so I hope it doesn't offend. But I think it says a lot about factors that might play into this sort of decision, from things that might seem silly, to real fears and potential joys. I'd be interested to hear how these concepts resonate with other women experiencing complicated pregnancies or infertility.
THE CONS
- Lots could go wrong: might not get pregnant despite trying, miscarriage, baby might be ill or have special needs, might have preterm labor again, fertility treatment might lead to multiple pregnancy, baby might have same blood disorder
- It's a lot of work: Diapers, night feeds, childproofing
- Disruptive to normal life: meals, work, life at home, sex
- Dan will hate it
- Decision isn't between easy fantasy pregnancy/birth/baby or doing nothing -- likely to be complicated
- Have to put childbearing behind me at some point in life anyway
- Cost
- Physically hard: nausea, poor sleep, labor, recovery after delivery
- Possible complications of having baby: bedrest again, might get urinary incontinence, might need c-section
- Weight gain
- No time for self, exercise, reading, knitting, watching sports
- Only doing it to master my body or to prove that I can
THE PROS
- More years of kids at home
- Sibling for Dan for later
- Bigger family
- Get to breastfeed again
- Already have a great nanny
- Undo miserable experience from last birth
- Bone marrow donor for Dan if needed
- "See what else we can make"
- Someone new to love
- Always wanted two children
- More grandchildren
- More normal life for Dan
- Regret later if don't try everything now
We discontinued fertility treatment shortly thereafter.