Question: For the last year or two I’ve had very little interest in sex, and I’m not sure why, I’m 48 years old and pretty healthy. My husband and I had sex maybe three times all last year, but we used to have sex all the time. Why is this happening, and what do you suggest I do about it?
Answer: When it comes to sex, the only rule is that both partners are willing and enthusiastic participants. It is not uncommon for a man’s sex drive to be stronger than a woman’s, due to both social conditioning and hormones.
In studies on sexual frequency by Kinsey, here are some averages: 16- to 20-year-olds have sex on average 3.7 times per week. Between 21 and 25 years of age, three times a week is average. Between 26 and 30, 2.6 times per week is the norm. Between 31 and 35, the frequency drops to 2.3 and by 40 years of age, couples are having sex twice a week on average. So compared to others your age, you are at the low end of the curve.
The real issue is how to create a relationship that nourishes both you and your husband. Since you describe disinterest rather than discomfort, try asking yourself a few questions.
Has there been a recent change in the intensity of your sexual desire or are you within your usual range? If you are within your normal range, focus on quality, not quantity.
If your desire has changed recently, what else has happened in your relationship? When is the last time you and your spouse spent romantic time alone together? The energy of lovers is different from that of husband and wife. To kindle passion, we need to temporarily put aside the institution of marriage and allow the power of Shiva/Shakti to emerge.
Is your overall physical health good? Are you eating well, exercising regularly and sleeping soundly? From an Ayurvedic perspective, sexual energy is the fruit of a vital balanced life. Put some attention on the basics, and your creative juices will flow.
Do you have a history that has created negative associations for you with physical and/or emotional intimacy? Open the lines of communication with your partner to create emotional intimacy that supports physical intimacy.
If you are harboring long-standing unresolved issues dating back to childhood, seek professional support to free yourself from guilt and fear.
If there are no underlying pressing physical or emotional issues accounting for your low sexual interest, I suggest the following:
1) Get enough rest. Fatigue is one of the most common reasons for a reduced sexual drive.
2) Eat healthy foods and minimize alcohol.
3) If you are not already doing so, start exercising on a regular basis. People who are physically fit are generally more in tune with their body’s needs.
4) Communicate with your husband about any feelings of hurt or resentment you are carrying that may be blocking your interest in intimacy.
5) Negotiate a schedule of physical intimacy that works for both of you - somewhere in between every day and once every three months.
When you are going to have sex, make it great. Prepare for it, set the atmosphere and focus on the process of sharing intimacy rather than the goal of having orgasms. Wear something enticing. Put on some great music. Feed each other raspberries. Smell good. Take a bubble bath together. Take turns giving each other sensual massages.
Making love can provide a taste of unity consciousness. When our bodies, hearts, minds and souls are open to giving and receiving, the boundaries between self and other are blurred and we glimpse the reality that we are one universal being taking on disguises of individuality. Make the commitment to create love in your life.
