Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was first defined by R. A. Gardner as a problem that can develop in the midst of intense child-custody battles. But even in mild divorce cases, PAS is still a dangerous reality.
In PAS, a parent emotionally abuses the child, convincing him or her that the other parent is no good, does not care about the child, and is a terrible person when there is no justification. The parent who badmouths the other parent may even manipulate scheduling so that the child is unable to see the other parent during agreed-upon visitations.
The result is that the child believes this other parent is an enemy and has conflicted feelings about any kind of involvement.
Effect of PAS on the Alienated Parent
It is devastating for the alienated parent to realize that s/he is being blocked out of the child's life. Not only has this parent experienced the end of a marital relationship, and life as a family as it was known, s/he is now also kept from the child. The alienated parent can experience many emotions when s/he realizes what is going on:
- Alienation from one's child
- Helplessness
- Loss of control
- Anger and hatred toward the other parent
The excluded parent may fight to re-establish his or her rights to see the child. In some cases, the parent may become so emotionally overwrought and exhausted that s/he gives up.
Effect of PAS on the Offending Parent
The offending parent in this situation may feel smug, revengeful, and like they are doing the right thing. Don't be fooled into thinking that PAS has no effect on the offending parent. The costs are great for this individual as well. The offender loses the opportunity to share parental responsibilities. This can be invaluable given the multiple stressors and time management issues parents currently face.
Another potential cost is how the child will understand his or her parenting experience as an adult. As an adult the child is likely to recognize and understand what happened, and to resent the offending parent as an adult.
Feelings that occur for this parent include:
- Continuing the relationship by continuing the battle
- An ongoing desire for revenge
- A sense of being better than the other parent
Effect of PAS on the Child: The Risk of Alienating the Youngest Family Member
Most importantly, PAS has a tremendous effect on the child. Young children especially benefit from a routine and stability. The psychological loss of the two parents as a unit is a type of death in and of itself -- even if the parents continue to get along.
Badmouthing the other parent is devastating for the child who is already mourning the loss of family. This child feels alone, lost, sad -- and now has to deal with the anger expressed between his/her parents. This is further complicated by conflicting loyalties if one parent tells the child s/he shouldn't have a relationship with the other parent.
Here are some things you can do to heal the wounds of the past and become a better parent:
Alternatives for the Badmouthing Parent
Consider what you really want to get out of alienating the other parent. Fueling your anger in this way, and using your child as a conduit for it, keeps you emotionally stuck in a relationship that didn't work and prevents you from being in a more successful one.
When you feel like venting your emotions, don't do it around your child. Instead, talk to a friend, a therapist, or a close relative. If you vent on the phone, be sure that your child is not within listening distance.
Alternatives for the Alienated Parent
Tell the other parent that s/he does not get to rob you of a relationship with your child. If it is so painful for the other parent to have contact with you, make a verbal or written contract that delineates your roles. Spell out who will take care of the child at specific times. If seeing each other is difficult at drop-off, arrange for a third party (perhaps a grandparent) to provide the transportation.
(Author's Note: I'm not referring to those situations in which a parent has abused a child and the courts have mandated limited involvement of that parent. Even in these situations, there may be some supervised visits with the child. Similarly, PAS does not come into play when a parent is a victim of domestic violence and has to go into seclusion with her child.)
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Caroline S. Clauss-Ehlers, Ph.D., is a nationally known counseling psychologist and an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Rutgers University Graduate School of Education. She is an expert for the Pampers Parenting Institute and maintains a private practice in Manhattan, which is also where she lives with her husband and two daughters, ages 4 and 2.
