Is it really possible to prepare for the loss of a loved one to breast cancer?
When it comes to losing someone to this disease, yes, it is possible. This is different from someone having a heart attack and keeling over dead in their front yard or someone being killed in a car accident. In most if not all cases, the cancer diagnosis is known for a while. The bad news is given and time passes.
I get many e-mails from family members wanting to know, "When do we call hospice?" or "How much more time will we have with her?" These are tough questions for me to answer because I don't know the patient. I would literally be relying on someone else's description of a clinical situation, and so my guess might not jibe with reality.
What these e-mails do tell me, though, is that the families of women dying from breast cancer want time to plan and prepare. So when you see your loved one failing - looking ill, having no appetite, unable to walk steadily, perhaps confused, losing weight - and you are told that treatment isn't working, you can get a pretty clear picture of what is going to happen relatively soon.
This is a time full of profundity for everyone. It is also a time to get things said. You can talk to your loved one in your prayers after she is gone but wouldn't you prefer to get her response, if only in the form of a squeeze of your hand or a nod of her head, when you tell her how much you love her?
Some of us have a tendency to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves and not say what is on our minds and hearts. I used to be that way, but no more. What I feel comes out of my mouth quickly. People know where I stand, and I'm not embarrassed to speak up.
Make sure your loved one knows that you are taking care of things: her children, her finances, even her funeral. Believe it or not, these may be some of the things she is actually worrying about, but is afraid to talk about because she either isn't ready to discuss them (but needs to) or doesn't want to worry you.
Make sure her wishes are known to you or others who should know. Does she have a living will or advanced directive? Is there anyone she wishes to see or talk with who hasn't come to visit yet? Are her finances in order? Do you or someone else close to her have power of attorney to help settle her affairs?
You must even determine how she wants her funeral handled. All are appropriate things to discuss. Want help doing all this? Just ask the hospice staff. They are wonderful people who have had lots of experience and expertise supporting others going through this process.
