A low tolerance for hospitals and sickness made Liz think she'd make a lousy caregiver, but when her sister was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, she learned that caring for someone means a lot more than managing their health.
Liz's Story
"You really find out who you are and how much you can handle."
My sister was diagnosed with a really rare form of cancer, especially for people who are young, that is formed inside of the body cavity around your vital organs. By the time they found it, the cancer was touching all of her organs. She had a major surgery, which basically gave her time. They said she could have four to five years, but I was at such a place with her that they really didn't tell me that exactly. It is interesting, you really find out who you are and how much you can handle when faced with a crisis. Some people in my family knew more because they wanted to know more and they could deal. I just knew that I needed to help this person and I couldn't have information blinding me. I wanted to be the best sister and the best friend that I could be for her.
"It is not about me, it is about her."
You really just need to give this person what they need, and it is amazing when you do that how much strength you find in yourself. She told us what she needed and we did it to the best of our abilities. As she became sicker and realized that she needed physical help, she was really good about stating, "This is what I need you to do. Modesty goes out the window. You have to help me get dressed. You have to help me get to the bathroom." There were times where I was like, "Aahahh, I can't do what you need me to do," but learning to articulate what I could handle and my weaknesses was part of the caregiving.
My family all knew that I am not a hospital person and I am not a nurse. I can't handle the situation where she is getting sick, but I can definitely go get her groceries and I can call the doctor. I can just sit and entertain her. You have these things in you that you just never explore when you are growing up. I knew that I was funny, but I never really showed it, and I didn't dare to see what would happen if I made someone laugh. In my late 20s and going through this experience with my sister, I found that my sense of humor was definitely something that helped her out.
"How can I make it through this and not feel 'what if' at the end?"
My whole family took turns taking care of my sister. Once we realized we were in hospice stages we all took weeks. We organized ourselves and made sure that someone was there, and everyone got a chance to be there, which I think was just amazing for them. We all had such different relationships with her, and we got to come to some grace with it. You try to live your life without any regrets, but when you are faced with a situation of any kind, you have to think how can I make this through and not feel "what if" at the end.
"I didn't even realize I was being a caregiver."
I had a friend from high school who knew I was going through this experience through his sister and he wrote me a letter basically saying, "I know you are going through a hard time and you are being a caretaker and lots of times care takers don't get support." It was the first moment that I really knew that I was taking care of someone, where all I realized I was helping her out. The little, tiny pat on the back refocused me and made me feel strong and capable.
When I notice that someone is in a situation where they are the support for someone, they are the caretaker, or they are just the person holding someone else up, I really try to say something to them. That letter made me feel so supported and like I wasn't alone trying to deal with this.
"If I can go through watching my sister die, I can handle anything."
What is so amazing about the experience is that I walked away, obviously really grief stricken and really upset that I had lost this person, but I had this experience that tested who I was. I went to graduate school for three years to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do, and then through this other experience that I didn't plan and I didn't want, I learned so much more.
